Disappointment

This is something I've been feeling for a while. I wrote this all out a few weeks ago. It was sort of the reason I started this blog, but I hadn't gotten around to posting it. So, if you're reading this, please take a minute to give your feedback. Am I being silly? Do I have a right to be upset? Please...I welcome your honest comments, even if they are harsh.

I'm disappointed and hurt right now. My church supported me in prayer and encouragement through a hard pregnancy. I felt loved and cared for. I was happy to receive a beautiful flower arrangement in the hospital room after Snuggle Bug was born. It was even better when the Pastors' wife came to see me. I really love the Pastor and his wife -- their entire family mean alot to me. When she came to see me, she asked what we needed -- maybe a stroller or something. I told her that I was all set on the big stuff and right now I just really needed diapers and that kind of thing. She mentioned a gift card and I thought that was a great idea. She told me she'd be getting it soon. A few weeks went by before I was finally able to bring Snuggle Bug to church, since he was preemie and all. I was so excited to see my church family and introduce my new son to them. The reception was luke-warm at best. The calls and emails became fewer and fewer and I got discouraged. The Pastor's wife mentioned the gift card to my mother again, saying she'd be getting it for me. At some point, my dad mentioned it to the Pastor as well, and he said he'd take care of it. And, nothing for nothing, but the church had a big to-do for the last mother who gave birth. They had a baby shower with gifts, both from individuals and from the church as a whole. And yes, I know Snuggle Bug was my third baby, but her new son was her 4th baby!! I guess I'd been hoping all through my pregnancy that they would do something, but they didn't.

But, I digress. This new ministry was started called the Celebration of Life Ministry. It sounded really great. They have a women's fellowship after a new baby is born. I was really excited about it -- then I saw how the specified on the invitation *No Gifts*. Wow -- that was kind of harsh. But, I got beyond it and set out to have fun. The night came and went. It was fun, but not at all what I expected. There was a 10 minute focus on me. They asked what I needed as far as prayer and encouragement. I opened up to the ladies that I was battling depression and anxiety. I heard a chorus of "Oh, if there's anything we can do..." and "We'll call you and email you to check on you..." And then, enter the Pastor's wife. Again, she went on and on about how she had been sooooo busy and hadn't had a chance to get the giftcard. But, now she had the church credit-card in hand and she'd be going to get it right away -- maybe even that same night! Let me interject here by saying that its not about the physical or financial part of the gift card. Its not the tangible thing. Its the thought...the care...the concern and love behind it that means something to me.

So, the celebration was when Snuggle Bug was 9 1/2 weeks old. He's 18 1/2 weeks old now and there has been no more mention at all of the gift card. Beyond that, there's been no phone calls or emails or encouragement at all. There's been plenty of depression and anxiety and lonliness, but none of my church family has been there for me. Wait, I can't say none. There's been plenty from the *church people* I talk to outside of church...amusingly enough, none of them were at my *celebration*. I don't hold it against them, though...I almost didn't go.

Now the next baby has been born into the church. This time, her mommy is a mommy for the first time. Her mommy is a great person who I have connected with quite a bit. The invites for their *Celebration* were in the bulletin 2 weeks ago. Noted on it was "There is a donation box at the back of the church to bless (this mommy) and her new baby." I think its great that they are doing this for her, but I can't help but have the "What about me??" feelings. What I've heard thus far is that they are doing donations for first time moms, but not for moms with other kids at home. Seems a bit odd to me, but whatever. And, my giftcard is beyond that realm, as it was offered before this whole *celebration* thing was started.

I guess I have come to the conclusion that, sadly, this church -- guess I can't call it *my* church anymore -- is no different from any other. There are cliques, there is unfairness, there are favorites, and there is a lack of follow through. You know there's a problem when church leaders and long-time members are leaving for the above reasons. Its such a shame that its ending this way. And its a personal hurt to me...I've lost a *home* and a *family*. Nothing hurts more than losing family.